Grieving Friends
Over the last 5 years, there’s been a lot of loss and grief not just for myself but for my immediate family and friends. Grief: a deep sorrow (especially that is caused by someone's death). For my dad, it’s been the death of his wife. For my friend Trish, loss of her community and friendships upon becoming a military wife. For my friend Maddie, grief over serious health scares and ongoing concerns. For me, I am in a season of realizing the death of a dream. I always imagined that I’d be a young mom, a vibrant, active young mom with many children. I always thought I’d have at least four children. The painful irony is, I have more. Now, I have five children, but four are with the Lord due to miscarriages.
Grief comes to us all. It’s just a matter of when. Grief is uncharted territory for friends who are walking side by side but on two different paths. How do you be a good friend to someone who is grieving? Grief looks mysterious and even a little scary at times if you are observing something you know nothing about. At least that’s how I felt watching my friend Trish when her dad passed away. It’s hard to know what to do or what to say. It sucks because there’s just not much you can do. But now that I’ve walked through several different kinds of losses, I think there are four significant things you can do in service to your grieving friend.
1. Reach Out: You don’t have to have all the right words, and you’re not going to know what to do because there’s not really anything you can say or do. That’s normal. But reach out and in your own words say something to the effect of, “I’m here for you. Anything you need I want to be a help to you. You just say the word.” The point is that you are not just a witness to the grief that your friend is experiencing but you are also present, even to weep with them if that's what is needed (Romans 12:15). From my experience (and I know others), the longing is to feel seen and embraced in the sorrow (not after it’s passed) because it’s just so painful and isolating. Those in grief need to be reminded that we are not alone in this loss. Don’t hesitate or convince yourself that they probably want to be left alone…that’s actually how the Devil is trying to make them feel - alone. So, go after your friends and embrace them in the sorrow.
2. Listen: I think by nature we are afraid of pain, grief and suffering. If you have not walked through hard stuff I’ve observed in myself and others that there are typically two ways of responding to friends who are grieving: 1. You avoid that person (for any number of reasons whether pure in nature or sinful) or, 2. We talk way too much. Let me remind you dear friends that you are simply there to “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:20. That’s it. Just be there. Remember that you do not have the answers to solve your friends problems - you are not God. Listening is more than enough to comfort your grieving friend. Listening well is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
If you need a place to start you can ask one of these kinds of questions…
How are you doing right now?
What do you want to talk about?
Do you wanna talk or do you wanna go get some food?
Know that I love you and I wanna hear the whole story but we can really talk about whatever, wherever.
What would serve you best right now?
Can I pray for you? What should we pray for?
3. Pray: Act 8:17 - “Then they began laying their hands on them, and they were receiving the Holy Spirit.” Mark 10:16 - “And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.” Pray for your grieving friends in your “prayer closets” and while you are alone. And when your friend is willing, pray for them in person and lay your hands on them and see what the Lord does. The Lord is near to the broken hearted and you can be a part of that healing work. This is a significant moment, a necessary moment to encounter the love and grace of God.
4. Give a Gift: It doesn’t even matter really what the gift is, but a token of your sympathy is such a kind gesture and speaks volumes about your heart for your friend. So give what you have. Give what you can. There’s no formula. If you have the money, send cash. When you lose a loved one, it’s shocking how much money is needed to make provision for their passing, even with early miscarriage, brief emergency trips to the ER, or the cost of medicine with or without insurance. Make food. Home-cooked meals in times of grief are just so precious and somehow even more delicious. If you are an artist, use your gifting to bless the soul care of your friend. If you have the gift of time, serve however is needed. When my mom was going through her chemo treatment her house stayed clean by magic (it seemed). People who will forever remain nameless and faceless came and scrubbed toilets, washed dishes and so much more. The hands and feet of Jesus were surely in our home.
God bless you as you move in love toward your friends who are in seasons of grief.
Much Love,
Sarah