Gifts for Grieving Friends

Here’s a list of gifts that I have received in seasons of grieving and that other friends of mine have also received. 

Cash: When it comes to funerals, hospital visits, and just sickness in general, money quickly becomes a heavy burden. A memory: One day, when my mom was undergoing special treatment for her cancer her friend  dropped off a large amount of cash for my mom and me to spend on whatever we wanted… for fun. She just wanted to make a way for my mom and I to share some guilt-free spending. She explicitly said, “This is not cancer money. This is not grocery money. This is fun money. Go have some fun together.” Thank you, Denise. 

Food: When I first had my daughter I was walking through grief, postpartum depression-you name it. But I’ll tell you what, in those early days with a new baby we were never hungry. Our church family and friends were so generous to us. One of the best meals was breakfast for dinner. A quiche + hot out’-the-oven cinnamon rolls. It was the best because, in the morning, breakfast was already ready. Thank you, Leslie. 

Gift Cards: They may seem impersonal or less significant because you didn’t make food or whatever. Hogwash. A gift is a gift. And for the grieving friend, it really is the thought that counts. And to be honest, grief takes you by surprise and sometimes ruins a day that started out so great. I can’t count the number of times this past year and a half of our miscarriages when I had the best-made plans to make a great dinner and then BAM something would cast me down into despair. The only thing to do on those nights is to get Culvers. Gift cards matter. 

Cards: My mom has always been a great card writer. I still have most of my mom’s letters and cards sent to me through various difficult seasonal shifts. She always reminded me that she was praying for me. This means more to me now that she’s gone. It’s really precious to read her words and see her specific handwriting. 

Plants: I have a plant for each of my lost babies. They were gifted, each by different women. I treasure those plants so much. I look at them every day and I remember which plant I received for which miscarriage. It is precious to me to water them and care for them. I honestly thought I'd just let them die and toss out. But these plants are thriving. And it’s a good reminder (on my good days) that when I die, I will arrive at heaven's gates, then I will meet my children alive and thriving. Thank you, Kristine, for my first plant.

Babysitting: Throughout the last several years so many friends and family have offered to babysit our daughter when we have been going through difficult times. I had no idea I’d need so much time to process life. When you’re grieving and you have little ones somedays you just need space to cry alone or say whatever you need to say to God. People in our lives have made a way for that healing to start because of the sacrifice of their time. What a wonderful blessing.  

Gift Baskets: If you want something personalized, go for a gift basket. Here’s the sweetest opportunity to show that you know your friend and you know what they like. This takes some thought and work but just means the world if you get it right. Example, if I’m making a gift basket for like for my dad, here's' what I would put in it: Caramel corn, A bottle of red wine, mints, a book or devotional, a funny card (our family loves funny cards), and dog treats (for his dog ; ).  

Act of Service: The week leading up to my mom’s funeral I was in charge of gathering photos and memorabilia for a “Memory Table.” My family quickly recognized that there were no recent family photos. It made sense. Who wants to take family photos when your mom is losing her hair and she feels like shit? I mentioned this in passing to my friend and she offered to make some prints. Unbeknownst to me, she blew up a large family photo and framed the portrait. In the photo my mom looked her best, just beaming on the day of my wedding. I’ll never forget that act of kindness and financial generosity. She asked for it in return. Thank you, Catherine.

Just-Because: My friend Colleen is the queen of gift-giving. I think you could even say she is a prophetic gift-giver. She's very intuitive and perceptive.  And she’s very good at discerning a desire. The most recent gift I received from her was shortly after my most recent miscarriage. You’ll never guess what it was so I’ll tell you: a label maker. Now, that might seem very random, but it really just reveals how much she knows me. I love organizing, categorizing and labeling everything. And when you are grieving, honestly sometimes you just need something mindless to do, otherwise, you might be swallowed up by your own tears. Thank you, Colleen. 

Of course, there are all kinds of gifts to give. The sky's the limit! And ultimately it matters less about the gift itself. It’s more about pouring out our love in a tangible way so that our people, even strangers, see, know and feel the love of God. Blessings on you as you give generously, just as our heavenly father gives so generously to us.