Kristine, Mandi & Me: Part One
I’ve been masquerading as an extrovert for most of my life. I’m just the product of an extroverted pastor’s wife who I’m pretty sure was a Three on the Enneagram. (That’s the Achiever, if you didn’t know). But when I got married it became obvious really quickly that my husband was the extrovert and I was the introvert. And when we had our first child, my world was flipped upside down by my constant breast-sucking companion. I had no idea just how introverted I was until I had no opportunity to be alone.
The first two years of my daughter’s life a lot of heavy questions were swirling in my head: How do you keep your friends when you are an introverted mom? How do I recharge in this season? I wanna have people over, but how do you host and serve when you just feel like your kids and husband drain you so much? Is it OK to be introverted? What’s the line between needing alone time to thrive and being selfish? Is God introverted? Can you even be Christian and be an introvert? Because, let’s be real, all the introverts at my church seem, well, kinda cold and like they’re always giving me the stink-eye. Hell, I’ve been told in the past I come off kinda bitchy!
I’ve been admiring Mandi and Kristine from a distance for a long time now. What I love about them is whenever I see them on Sundays at Church they are consistently warm, welcoming, smiley and in conversation with someone. What I see is, mature Christian women doing what they are made to do: Loving God and loving people. This is impressive to me because they both have lots of kids! Mandi and her husband Andy have three kids (Simon 13, Silvia 9, Miriam 7), Kristine and her husband Dave have four sons (Gideon 11, Gabriel 8, Malachi 7 and Caleb 4) and did I mention, they are both homeschooling families? The only thing you need to know about home schooling for the purposes of this story is that home schooling families are together, ALL OF THE TIME. This is an introvert’s nightmare. Yet, the Gospel shines through these women. I’ve been the lucky recipient of both of their families’ generosity and thoughtfulness in times of great sadness and grief. I knew I had to seek their wisdom because I had none in this new season of motherhood.
It was a summer night when we gathered on my porch to talk. It was warm and bright and so were our faces. One of the funny things about getting three introverts together to talk about people like us is that we were continually laughing at things that only we find funny, and all extroverted people would be mystified by or perhaps even offended by. For example…
Sarah: How do you know if you are a real introvert?
Kristine: Being really okay if plans get cancelled! It’s fiiiiiiiiine!
A roar of laughter bursts from all three of us. I had no idea it would feel so nice to share in these similar feelings. Kristine’s comedic timing and delivery surprises me. She looks like someone I’d cast as a young Juliet (elegant and modest), but she’s got smarts and wit that make her more like a Beatrice from Shakespeare’s ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ or Pam from ‘The Office’.
Mandi: Or when you do have plans, it takes days to recover.
Sarah: Like a social hangover. That’s me after every family vacation!
A fumble of overlapping agreements and nodding of heads.
Mandi: It was in college, well at the club to be precise, that I realized that I just don’t like being around all these people!
The idea of Mandi going out to clubs in college makes me smile so hard. Today she looks like a true home school mom just arriving from an outdoor home school event, hair pulled back, athletic shoes in toe and large water bottle in hand. A kinder face you never did see.
Kristine: I would say that I’m not extremely introverted. I like being in groups and spending time with people, but the only way that I can recover is by being alone. My husband on the other hand is a very textbook introvert.
Introvert: (noun)
1. A shy, reticent person.
2. A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
3. A person whose personality is characterized by introversion: a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone
Sarah: It’s a bummer that I think the stereotype of being introverted is so negative.
Mandi: Yes, that’s true but we also have different giftings that shine when we are healthy. Introverted people DO like people but just get exhausted by superficial conversation. Introverted people are good at observing, they are good at paying attention. Introverted people have the gift of seeing marginalized people who need a listening ear. And I think most introverted people are good at one-on-one conversations because they can listen well. They don’t have to be talking all the time.
I think it’s worth mentioning that in the Bible these labels of introverts and extroverts are not mentioned. Personality types are not “a thing” in the New Testament. The Myers Briggs, the Enneagram or other personality tests have no real weight in our true identities as Christians. If you are a Christian, Christ is all the identity we need. (2 Cor. 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” Gal. 2:20 “ I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”). One of the reasons I really respect Mandi and Kristine is that I understand their natural bent is to be introverted but it is their love for God that draws them to others in gentleness and kindness. Even though their default mode is to be alone, it is the Gospel that motivates them to faithfully show up to church, serve their families, pursue discipleship, build community and spend quality time with me this evening. Personality tests are helpful, but let us first be rooted and grounded in who God says we really are: We are his workmanship and he has made us in his image.