Kristine, Mandi & Me: Part Two

Tonight, I feel lucky. I’ve got two veteraned introverted moms right where I want them: on my porch, without our children! We connect quickly, share openly and laugh heartily together. I cherish these moments of uninterrupted conversation. I’m so grateful that Mandi and Kristine chose to spend the evening sharing their wisdom with me.

Sarah: Do you think that God is an introvert?

Mandi: Oh yeah, because he’s everything. Jesus was with people all the time but then there were these moments when he goes off by himself for significant periods of time. And I think there are so many different kinds of personalities out there, and he is a part of them all. But we as individuals can only reflect part of him. We are made in his image and I think some people house his introvertedness or extrovertedness in different portions.

Kristine: I would agree and I would just say that from our family dynamic you need both to thrive. You need to go and do,  just as much as you need moments at home to be quiet and to reflect.

Sarah: One of the biggest struggles I have as a wife and new mom is knowing how and when to host. I have a big heart for hospitality but my capacity for life and people is SO different now that we are in the family season. What wisdom can you share about extending hospitably to new people to forward the Gospel and hosting old friends while not going crazy or experiencing burnout?

Mandi: I think you said it, “It’s a season”. You’re in a new season and there are many different kinds of seasons. For example, when you are single you have more energy, freedom and flexibility to do what you want. When you get married, that’s a new season, which presents new limitations. It’s not just me anymore doing whatever I want whenever I want; I have to think about this other person. Then when you add kids, a whole other kind of season. We always feel a kind of death in the passing of seasons. And our new limitations can be frustrating.  But in these changing seasons, God is revealing who you really are, and who He really is. And it’s Okay. We have limitations and we have certain needs and it’s a season and it will pass as many have already.

I think it’s also important to remember to change how you measure success. What does success look like in hosting people in mommy-hood? So the way you used to measure success as a single woman doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not the rubric you should be using anymore. So you have to come to a place of acceptance and move on to a new rubric. You know what I mean?

I could have burst into tears right there and then. What a relief it is to hear Mandi’s words. In my heart I know that I’ve been trying to emulate how my mom hosted and served her people…but I am not her. Her blood is in my veins and I have inherited her heart for hospitality, but this is a new season for my husband and me to inquire of the Lord how he wants us to serve and love his people. 

Kristine: I have felt for a long time that my calling has been to help build community. I have moved a lot, and I’ve been the new girl a lot so I’ve always seen the value in people connecting with each other. I see those people who are new and need help connecting; if that’s new to a church, or new to a different season. So to give up hospitality completely in this season of motherhood would have felt like disobedience. I think we’ve just found ways to host that are less perfect. We’ve lowered our standards a lot. My hosting is just not as beautiful as the way that I used to. So if you host people outside, you don’t have to clean your house first. And if you make it a potluck, everyone brings a little something then you don’t have to spend so much time getting food ready and telling your kids constantly, “Hold on, I’m cooking! Hold on! I’m cooking! Oh wait!  I have to clean up the living room!” and so on. And to be honest, some of our favorite meals with people have been when we just throw frozen meatballs in the oven, we boil water for pasta, someone brings a bagged salad and we call it good. It doesn’t have to take forever to make a delicious meal. I would like to be known as a good cook, but I don’t have the time to figure that all out in this season and that’s okay.

Also, I’d say, do stuff without kids. It’s less of a drain and just less stressful for one short dinnertime window. There are things you can do to make the experiences less taxing. So find how you can increase your capacity along the way.

Sarah: I agree. We have people over for just desert or just drinks sometimes. I love not cooking! In general though, I think my expectations for hosting are too high because my mom was so good at it but also freaking Pinterest. I think future generations are just being set up for big disappointments in hosting because of how Instagram and Pinterest have just ruined our appreciation of normal hosting, normal people, normal weekend clothes, normal budgets…

Mandi: Not to mention the reality of the run-around and yelling that happens moments before someone rings your doorbell. Oh! I have a story that involves my friend Kim…

A good old-fashioned “America’s funniest hosting stories” ensues. I truly value honest conversations. Especially stories about when hosting goes WRONG OR those moments we just make asses of all of us. There’s a real humility and freedom in our conversation tonight. There’s no pretense. We speak truthfully and laugh at ourselves. It warms my heart to hear these women’s wisdom and stories.

Sarah: One of the things I really respect and love about you both is that I know that you both are introverted kinds of folk; yet, you are so warm and inviting and good conversationalists. How do you do that? How do you keep your “love on”? How do you stay warm and present? What I observe about myself and other introverted people is that sometimes we come off kinda cold and bitchy. Tell me all your secrets.

Kristine: Well, I stay home a lot. Be willing to say to yourself, “I can’t do this, I may want to do whatever ‘this is’, but I cannot do this.” Don’t go past your limits. And my husband and I know how to communicate. We can say to each other I’m talked-out and I need a minute, I need to recover from whatever and honestly, sometimes it’s like a whole evening or sometimes all I need is an hour of doing nothing! And then sometimes I need a moment in the middle of the day, where I just need a half an hour to myself and then I’m good. I think it’s just helpful to say, “I don’t know what kind of space you’re in right now, but I’m about to lose it, so I need a minute.”

Mandi: Well, I come across as bitchy, a lot. Mostly with my family, I don’t think I do it with other people as much. I can put on a face. It’s sometimes for me because I don’t recognize that it’s happening. Like today I was really irritable with, well, everybody. Ya know, the weekend is supposed to be this refreshing time…but…

Kristine: But why is it NOT??

Sarah: OH my word! You guys, too!?

Kristine: Yeah! I used to think, God made the Sabbath for everyone, except for me!

Mandi: Ha! Yes! So, I have learned to communicate my inner world because, I have a lot of conversations with myself in my head. But I’ve learned to communicate what I need out loud. I’ve learned to have those conversations with my husband and even my kids. Even though I don’t really want to, it’s important to say out loud, “I’m struggling.” or “I’m stressed out. Know that these things are not your fault. I just have a lot going on inside of me and it’s gonna take me time to figure it all out.” My kids are old enough now that they can comprehend that  and not feel like it’s their fault. And sometimes I tell them, I need a minute. I’m going to my room, I need a minute, and then I’ll be back. The other thing that has been a game-changer is that I have someone come and watch my kids so I can leave the house.

Kristine: I agree. Paying people to help has been the best thing. And I don’t pay very much. I really only hire young teenagers to come into my house, and I don’t even leave, I just pay someone to be there to be the engager.

Mandi: Ha! I have to leave. I can’t stay in the house. Well, if I’m just getting work done around the house that’s one thing, but if I need to decompress I can’t hear the voices of people in my house. It’s just like, I’m not alone. So you just need to figure out what fills your cup.

Kristine: And that’s really hard to figure out. It took me years to figure that out.

Mandi: Yeah! I used to have someone come over so I could run like, five errands!

Sarah: Terrible! I’ve totally done that scenario.

Mandi: Ditto! I come home, I’m angry I got like two of my five things done. So I’ve just learned that going somewhere quiet like the library or a coffee shop anywhere that no one is talking to me. Just reading a book or listening to a podcast somewhere where there are no expectations, where there’s no pressure to be productive. A space where you do feel peace knowing that it is very productive to take care of yourself. Because you know it’s time well spent when you can come back in and see that you are loving your family better than the moment before. That is a sign of time well spent.

Kristine: I’ve learned that I just want to be home, alone. I just want to be in my house when it’s quiet. So David will take the boys to run an errand, like the hardware store but he’ll drag it out. They’ll stop for donuts or something like that. So while they are gone, I can do the things I want to do. I love playing the piano in an empty house. So the question I’ve had to ask myself is, “How do I get in a space where when we come back together I am glad to see you, oh family of mine?”

I’ll also say that one of the things I do when I don’t have any help, but I still need a reset is we all go outside. In almost every weather. We go on rain walks; we go out on really snowy days. My kids just know now, we go out, in all weather. I think we were created to be in a garden, so there’s a certain amount of peace that is there and I find it refreshing. Yes it’s a hassle to get all the coats and all the socks and boots on, but as long as you don’t force a rush out the door, it can take as long as it needs and then once you are out, it’s just so great. And I’ve discovered that I’m just a much better outdoor mom than an indoor mom.

Mandi: For those moms, who still don’t know how to get that refreshing, just try something. And it may flop and be no good. But over time you will discover what does. So keep trying new things and don’t be afraid to ask for help and just pay for a sitter.

Kristine: It is costly to have babysitters. It adds up quickly. But you have to learn where you want to invest. It’s worth it to pay the sitters to have uninterrupted conversation while running errands and enjoying a meal or coffee together. Let's be real. Now we just pay for sitters so we can go to Menards!

Mandi: Sexy.

Note-to-self: plan date to Mendards. As we talk so many additional questions come to mind, but time is fading fast. It’s such a sweet moment when you realize you don’t want a night with friends to come to an end. I have time to ask just a few more questions…