Morgan: A story about miscarriage

A Phone Call - - - Nurse on the line - - - “Mrs. Martin, we got your blood work back…” It was a miscarriage. I had feared that for over a week, but all I had to hear was the tone of the nurse’s voice to know that we had lost the baby. I say, “Thank you” and “Have a good day” to the nurse (Habit I guess). I hang up and just weep. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. My eyes hurt. My face was pained. I tasted salt from my running nose and eyes. I couldn’t control myself.  My first instinct was to get on my bike a ride as fast as I possibly could, far away from this news, far away from people, far away from death. All I want to do is be alone. My default is always to just be alone. Historically when I’m down, I only ever want to be alone.

A miscarriage. How? Why? Did you do that, God? Do you care, God? You've already taken so many of my people away! Who’s next, God?! Does this mean I won't have any more kids? Wait, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know…just thank you that my toddler is sleeping so I can have this cry alone. That moment was so painful. I’ll never forget it. And I’ll never forget what happened next. I had a playdate set up after my daughter woke up from her nap. She was a new friend. We barely knew each other…like we only talked in person, like, one time. It’s funny now that I think about it, but I was not about to show up to that hang in this state. I message her and tell her that I can’t make it because we just got the call that I’m having a miscarriage. This gal, she doesn’t skip a beat. She tells me their family will drop off dinner that very night and that she’ll be praying for us all. She shared that they have also had a miscarriage and that she was so sad that we are losing our baby, too.

Her name is Morgan and she was a gift from God that terrible day. That moment with Morgan was significant to me because I realized that I didn’t want to be alone. I actually wanted someone close who knew how I felt. And I didn’t want this baby to pass away unknown or unseen. The Lord blessed me with an unexpected friend at the right time to be a witness to the passing of my baby. I thought I would want to grieve alone (like I had before when my mom died) and not talk to anyone, or process with others. But now, having two miscarriages in six months I’ve discovered that I want people to know that my babies existed. And then they died. Miscarriage is not the same as when an adult dies. When my mom died, people knew her, they knew her story, they knew her laugh and her vibe. I didn’t even have a chance to think about what we were going to name our babies and they were gone. But they were alive. I want people to know that I don’t just have one daughter, I had three children and two are with Jesus.

Miscarriage is one of the loneliest things I’ve ever experienced. No one really talks about how in early miscarriages you lose your baby while sitting on a toilet and you flush them away. It feels so wrong. Or, like giving birth, you suffer severe cramps in your body but never get to hold your little person on the other side of the pain. Why is it we talk about abortion more than miscarriage in the church? Why are meal trains set up for when adults pass away or when babies are born, but not for miscarriages? Miscarriage is a death in the family, too, ya know? For the woman who carries their baby alone and then loses them alone: know beyond a shadow of doubt that you are not alone. God has given us the Holy Spirit and he truly is our best comforter.

I share all this simply to say how deeply grateful I am to God for orchestrating that day and that moment to connect me with Morgan. The Lord knew what I needed, better than I did myself. Morgan knew my pain and she was so generous with herself. She shared the truth, she shared a listening ear, and she shared her food. I’ve been so used to being alone in my feelings as an internal processor, but the Lord knew me better. He knew I needed someone to share in the pain and the suffering of losing a baby. My husband, God bless him, was not that person at that moment because he was working at the time I got the news. My mom was not that person as she was with The Father himself. And my closest friend had moved away. But this is what the Lord does for his church. He is orchestrating this beautiful tapestry of testimony. God be glorified. I still believe he is working all of this out for the good of those that love him. The Lord gives and takes away and even in the taking away, he is working it out for my good.

I’d like to dedicate this blog post to Morgan Stong:

 A beautiful sister in Christ and a blessed example of the love of Christ