She’s ghosting you or Holy ghosting you… TBA

This summer my phone has not been working. I’ve missed so many text messages and calls. Probably time to update but I’m embarrassed to confess that some really deep insecurities have risen up; insecurities that I have not felt in years. I have this really strange feeling that I’m missing out, or that I’m unintentionally ghosting someone. It’s been a slow fade but I can feel that old familiar feeling creep back in: loneliness. I honestly thought there would come this point in adulthood where I wouldn’t feel insecure anymore about my friendships, or that I would finally arrive at a Zen-moment where loneliness doesn’t exist. Maybe I will at some point but that is not today. Today at 36 years of age, married with one kid, I feel lonely. I’m sure that I’m not alone in that feeling, so there is some comfort there. So, if you are feeling lonely, you’re not really alone.

When I was young, relationships were very hard for me. Introverted by nature and deeply insecure from the time I was diagnosed with dyslexia, my mom was always instrumental in helping me navigate relationships. Even as an adult I’d come to her with relationship offenses, drama, concerns and straight-up gossip (which she quickly shut down). Shirl-the Pearl (one of her nicknames) always had such wisdom to give, which was great because I always felt clueless relationally.  I knew mom was always praying for me, and my loneliness. She reminded me regularly, “I’m praying for you today, Sarah!” And that loneliness was soothed. I miss that so much (She will be gone for 5 years, come this fall). This summer particularly I have wanted to talk to her about a few specific topics that have been on my heart recently. In my mind the conversation goes like this:

Scene:

Summertime. Sarah, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of water. Shirley sits with a cup of hot tea with honey -no milk. Sarah makes a face as if to say, “Who, in their right mind drinks hot tea in summer time? Oh yeah, Dutch people.”

Sarah: Have you ever been ghosted?

Shirley: What’s ghosted?

Sarah: Like when someone just disappears from your life: they don’t return texts or calls, etc.

Shirley: Oh! Sure. Do you remember…

Mom story time

Sarah: So, what do you do about that? What do you do if someone let’s you go, but you didn’t want the relationship to end? What if you’re the only one keeping the relationship going? What if you’re just in a relationship where there is no reciprocation? What if you’re trying to make a new friend, you’re doing your best to be friendly, kind and thoughtful but there are just no texts, or calls, no DMs…

Shirley: What’s a DM?

Sarah goes into quite some depth to try and explain what exactly DM’s are. The conversation becomes strained with additional questions about social media. Sarah can see Shirley is about to ask another phone-related question. Sarah blurts out…

Sarah: ANYWAY! Do you keep going after them? Do you let them go? Do you confront them? Do you call them out and say, “Hey asshole! What’s going on?!” Do you just let it slide and never tell them that they have actually really hurt your feelings …were they ever really your friend?

Shirl-the-pearl knows her daughters. And she knows I’m gonna cry even before I do it myself. She comes in for a hug.

The End

Now, this dialogue has been overly exaggerated for your entertainment, but some of these questions have been on my heart for the last several years now. Of course, I don’t know what exactly my mom would say, but I would like to share some wisdom that she shared with me in the past about friendships that still applies to my current laundry list of questions:

In the past mom has said to me…

1. We are called to love people even if they hurt us or become our enemy. Loving people is more about them experiencing the love of God better, not them loving us better (Matthew 5: 43 – 48).

2. On this side of heaven no human-to-human relationship is going to be perfect and we have to be okay with it being messy. If you want friends, they will hurt you and you will hurt them, intentionally or unintentionally. That is why reconciliation and forgiveness are so important. Be quick to forgive, Sarah. And be the first to step into the path of reconciliation. If you’ve wronged someone, do your best to make it right (Romans 3:23).

3. Surrender your expectations in friendship, Sarah. Expectations only hurt you and your friends. No good comes from expecting a human to be anything other than what they are (Philippians 2:4).

4. We are called to think of others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). Are you thinking the best about others?

5. Always give the benefit of the doubt. Always.

I agree with my mom 100% and today giving the benefit of the doubt has been stuck in my brain. If you think a friend is “ghosting you,” believe the best of them. Love hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things, etc. (1 Corinthians 13:7). Maybe they are holy ghosting you! I literally just made that up. It’s not a thing. BUT what I mean is that perhaps, even though you haven’t heard from them, maybe they are still your friend and want to be in a relationship with you and even in this moment they are praying for you, interceding for you! They are possibly connected to you by the power of the Holy Spirit and the kinship we share as Christians! I know this has been the case for me this summer with all my phone weirdness.

But then again, perhaps your “friend” has let you go. That sucks. And I know first-hand how that can hurt.  But it’s not the end of the world. Something I’ve just been thinking about and reflecting on is that as Christians, we are not here to make friends. That might suck even more? But it’s true. If you are a Christian, your calling is the same as mine: To love the Lord your God with all your mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself. And we are to go and make disciples. That’s the core. Friendship is biblical; living as brothers and sisters in Christ is biblical and important to this life. However, a “best friend” I would argue is not biblical and giving someone that title can become idolatrous. No human should have our hearts the way that Jesus does. Constantly hanging out with your tribe or your “people” or your “squad” to have a good time is not our calling or purpose. Again, good Christian friends are very important but not more important than why we are here in the first place: To glorify God and make him known.

After Shirley died, I asked one of my mom’s friends about this topic. I asked her, “How do you know if you should stay friends with someone or not?” It’s a serious question so she paused to think for a while and then simply said, “No one person is going to know that answer. Ask the Lord. And if he doesn’t give you clear direction or tell you outright, then you are free and have permission to decide for yourself.” I think we make our best efforts and love well, but ultimately we are free to choose because God's great love is for us. You are free to choose.  We both agreed that it’s also wise to ask your core friends what they think. These are the people you trust and would receive praise and criticism from. People who really love you and want the best for you.  Perhaps God would give you a unanimous answer through them.

Relationships are so great but they also can be so painful. As the years pass I long more and more for the day when we are all together in heaven and all earthly friendships are redeemed. And honestly, we probably won’t even care about relationships in the same way because we will be in the presence of our God. His perfection and beauty will eclipse everything we know. What a great and glorious day that will be when we meet our maker, our God, our lover and our friend face-to-face! Come, Lord Jesus, come.

- Sarah Martin