Mentors: Where can I get one of those?
A gal asked me the other day, “So, where do you actually find a mentor? I’ve always wanted to have someone to meet with, but how do you even go about that?”
I’ve been thinking about this question for several years now. It seems kinda tricky, right? The timing, the season, the reason and obviously the person. To be honest though, it don’t think it has to be mysterious or complicated.
Mentorship is something I feel very passionate about because it honestly has been one of the most valuable relationships I’ve ever had in my life. Next to my family and closest friends, my mentor has been one of the most significant people in my life. Now as to how do you go about starting this kind of relationship, I think it’s pretty simple: ask.
Simply ask…
Ask the Lord for your heart’s desires. Something so good and pure as wanting a mentor is not even something to question if you should have one or not. Ask God for that good gift. Then wait on the Lord. In His perfect timing He will bring along someone. OR you may just find that YOU are the one being called to serve and love someone as a mentor. I believe that sometimes the Lord puts us in seasons where just when we think we need to be “fed” what we actually need is to pour out and lay down our lives in service for someone else.
So, make the ask. Ask! Knock! Seek! Don’t be afraid, just ask. It’s as simple as that. The worst that can happen is that they say no. Think of the “no” as a good sign that God has someone else for you - not as a personal rejection. We then have to trust and believe God has someone else for us or that they will enter our lives in a different season.
“Who should that person be? I don’t just wanna meet with any anyone, ya know?”
I think it’s true that you don’t want to ask just anyone at anytime. It really is a work of the Father and how He wants to build His kingdom. I think we often are selfish in relationships. We think relationships are for us and our pleasure and our benefit (and they are to a degree), but first our relationships are for God’s glory and displaying the power and love of the Gospel - namely, Jesus. Period. I believe God is gonna put the right people together at the right time and you can trust the Lord’s leadership.
So, to answer the question above: I have no idea. But God does.
Like all relationships, a mentor - mentee relationship is a gift; it is a gift from God. Again, if that is something you desire, ask God for that good gift. I think you’d be surprised how much God wants to bless your heart in relationship with others.
Here’s how I came into relationship with my mentor:
When I was right out of college I felt a little lost. My transition from college into “adulthood” was difficult emotionally and spiritually. Reluctantly I confessed to my dad that I was having a hard time. I got a job and was attending a church but my friend group had evolved. College friends moved away but most of my friends got married pretty quick after college; my relationship with my boyfriend at the time ended, soooooooo needless to say, I was feeling pretty lonely. I longed to meet with someone older and wiser just to talk and pray with from time to time. I asked my dad if he had any idea of who that could potentially be. He empathized with me. He said that He would ask some of his pastor friends and see if they could recommend anyone.
I don’t remember even praying or asking God for a “mentor.” I just knew that I needed God and I needed someone to talk to. I needed someone who had already walked through the valley and knew only what the years can tell you about real life. The Lord knows what we need, even before we ask - He’s a good, good Father.
I don’t remember the exact timeline but within a few weeks my dad was given a name - Marilyn. She attended one of my dad’s sister Churches in town and was well known there. What was really special to me was that I could walk or bike to her house because she only lived a few blocks away - Now that’s the Lord. He even ordained that we would live close to each other for a season. I got her number and she agreed to meet with me. That was twelve years ago and we’re still friends.
My second answer is this….
Over the last ten to twelve years I’ve had many conversations with friends and family in ministry and leadership positions about discipleship and mentorship, and one thing is certain: we have no wisdom of our own. All wisdom, knowledge and insight comes from the Bible and deep relationship with Jesus. Look to the Bible first to see what Godly relationships should look like and function like. I think things get sideways really fast when our primary source of comparison is other people.
Here are some questions to ask when considering someone to mentor you:
Do they love God?
Do they love people?
Do they love the Bible?
Do they love worshiping God?
Do they love to pray?
Do they love the local church? Are they connected and known there?
Do they have a good reputation among fellow believers?
You are not looking for a perfect person…
Let me say that again: You are not looking for a perfect person. Ha! You’d never find one anyway! Perfect people DO NOT EXIST (I should know! I’m a ONE on the Enneagram and I’ve been trying my whole life and, it’s never gonna happen ; ). You are not necessarily looking for the pastor’s wife or the person who’s holding the mic on Sundays. You’re not looking for the most fashionable or popular one in the room. You are looking for someone who really loves God and really loves people.
You will see this person probably talking to newcomers at church, cleaning the church toilets, or praying in the back of the sanctuary for a friend, or serving in kids’ church, etc. You are looking for a heart that is active and selfless. This person is after the business of building up the body of Christ and helping advance the kingdom of God. This person knows that their life is not about them; they understand it’s all about Jesus and His church.
Lastly, I would say that you are simply looking for someone who is at least a few steps ahead of you in the journey.
The older the better, I say! But we can learn and receive wisdom and help from anyone who is just a few steps ahead of us in this life. Seek out the older and wiser, but don’t overlook the opportunity to learn from someone who might be younger than you’d initially hoped.
Back in the day when I was studying acting, my professor told me that we needed to pick monologues that were close to our age (18 - 25 years) because we didn’t have the life experience to pull from emotionally. I scoffed in my brain: “20 can’t be that different than 30!” SARAH YOU FOOL! I was a fool to have such a prideful thought. I laugh and cry now at the thought of how little I knew 10 - 15 years ago. Praise God! He still loves me even in my foolishness.
This life is complicated and very often so confusing. We need wisdom, and we can only get wisdom from God, the Bible and people who have already walked through the valleys and been to the mountain top. You older generation, you are so valuable and needed for a time such as this.