Emily: A story about being a part of a family

Emily is a friend of mine. Ask anyone, she’s a gem. An old soul with contemporary style and a real love for God and people that I don’t think is common among people of her generation. In a word, she’s legit. I’m very happy that she agreed to talk about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart:

Being a part of a family, as an adult woman who is single

…because the family she’s referring to in this story also loved me so well when I was single.

I’ve given the topic of being single in the Church much thought and I wanted to start capturing some of these conversations to share specifically with other believers. The truth is singles in the church need as much support and love as the “widows” and the “orphans” but are often forgotten. I know this to be true for myself when I was single.

What I’ve come to observe by experience and from hearing many others’ stories is that one of the most treasured relationships that a single in the church can have is being befriended by a family. This is a story about how one family invited Emily to be a part of theirs.

Sarah: Girl, Lord-love-ya. Thanks for making time to do this with me. Your story and life are so valuable. For our readers can you tell me a little bit about yourself: Who you are, your family, and your relationship with the local church?

Emily: I’m Emily. I’m from Normal, IL. I didn’t want to stay in the town that I grew up in, but over time I just felt called to be here and be at my church. I did grow up in the church but I didn’t believe really. At Foundation Church is where I recognized that I needed a Savior. And here I am! I love God and I love people.

I am a graphic designer and I work for the library. I also sell plants on Etsy. I love plants. Like a lot! I have over 50 plants in my apartment. Some are pretty rare, too. I love ice cream. I just love hanging out with my friends. Dance parties are my jam. I’m always up for dancing: Dancing with others or dancing by myself. I’m just really into dancing. And oh, yeah I’m single.

[Emily and Sarah share a smile and a moment. It’s been a good long time since they’ve had a heart to heart]

Sarah: How would you describe Sarah and John? Who are they to you?

Emily: They are the most - - I’m gonna start crying - - they are the most caring and intentional people. They really dig in relationally. They come alongside people as a couple really well; they are such a good team. John and Sarah are so servant motivated. Their focus is outside of themselves. They are united in their goal, which is living on mission for God.

Sarah: How did you meet? How did that relationship come about?

Emily: The Lord made that connection. I was really close to one family in our church. They were like a second family to me - - very parental relationship. But they felt called to leave for a church plant in another town so they moved away. I’m not sure there was an exact moment, but organically the Lockes just became my people. They really filled that void for me, that longing for belonging. I quickly felt like I became a part of their family. They brought me into their everyday lives. I was a part of them.

If I had to break it down it would go like this:

I met the Lockes at church. Somewhere along the way we met and then I joined the small group that they hosted. The very first night that I came to small group I ended up staying two whole hours after group had officially ended. It was really meaningful to me. They asked me so many questions. I felt like they really cared about knowing me.

After that Sarah would invite me to different things: dinner at their house, game nights, etc. I always felt included in their lives. Then we three decided to watch Black-ish together. And after that ended, I guess we just kept hanging out. It felt very natural and mutual, like God really made the connection at a time when He knew I needed a family to be a part of.

Sarah: What does it mean to you to be in close friendship with this family?

Emily: Well, my family situation, as you know, is complicated. My mom lives in another state now, my brother’s doing his own thing with his girlfriend and as you know my dad’s been dead now for several years. The Lord knew that I needed to be a part of a whole family. Not just a church family, but a family-family. The Lockes really filled that family role in my life.

The Lord knew that I needed to be a part of a whole family. Not just a church family, but a family-family. The Lockes really filled that family role in my life. Especially being a single adult woman, belonging to a family is really significant for me.

Especially being a single adult woman, belonging to a family is really significant for me. And what I love about the Lockes is that they don’t treat me as an “other.” I think that’s a common feeling among Christian singles in the church. The Lockes just treated me like my own person, never really drawing negative attention to the fact that I’m single or that I need to get married.

I’d also add that being in their home is so meaningful. When you’re in someone’s home regularly you just see their real life. And Sarah and John are the real deal. They are real in their love for God and love people. And I know it’s real because I’m over at their place all the time. They have such a good marriage and how they love their kids - - Gosh I’m gonna cry again! - - When I see John love his kids, especially loving on his daughters…it just means so much to me. I truly understand the love that God the Father has for me better. Because, as you know, my own father and his life and example has been so difficult, to say the least. Yeah, I just really appreciate how John loves his girls.

Sarah: To your other single friends, if they desire a similar relationship with a family, how would you encourage them to go about that?

Emily: That’s a tough question. I’d like to say it’s like a two way street, like fifty-fifty. Like the couple needs to initiate relationship and the single person needs to initiate, but I’m not sure about that. I think regardless both sides cannot be afraid to start something. You can’t be afraid to initiate something if that’s what you want, but I do feel it’s more on the couple to initiate and invite the single person into their home and their life. I think at least for me I don’t want to be an inconvenience or a burden, ya know?

I know for the Lockes, because we’ve had so many honest conversations about this topic, they feel called as a couple towards certain people and they take that seriously; they take action - - they pursue people in love.

I also think that both parties have to get past the insecurities and fears. Both the family and the single person have to push through their comfort zones if you really want to experience real close relationship. Like for the family, your house doesn’t have to be perfect. Sometimes when I go over the Lockes, Sarah’s in the middle of laundry or she’s in the middle of cooking. It doesn’t have to be perfect. That’s not what I’m expecting or even wanting. As the single, I just want to have a place to belong and feel at home.

Sarah: Can you share a little about the differences you experienced relationally from when you were single and when you were dating someone in the past?

Emily: So something that I recognized pretty quickly when I started dating this guy I was with a few years ago was that we were invited over to people’s houses all the time. Like, it was hard to manage all the invites. Now, I’m not saying that to brag or anything, I’m just pointing out that when I was single I didn’t receive many invitations over to people’s homes. But when I started dating someone, that changed.

Sarah: That’s terrible.

Emily: I know. I think what’s worse is that when me and this guy broke up, these couples that had had us over stopped reaching out to me and having me over. I’m not gonna throw anyone under the bus or anything, but that hurt.

Sarah: I’m sorry you experienced that, Emily.

Emily: Yeah… it sucks.

Sarah: What would you say to your younger-self, when it comes to being a part of the local church as a single person?

Emily: I have several thoughts….

1. Insert yourself into any area that you can: serving, kids program, hosting, small group, etc. Be known in your church. Only you can be responsible for that. Just be fully committed to the church and its people if you feel called there.

2. Be a “yes” person. Like, I’m gonna say “yes” to any invites or if I’m invited to be a part of a group or team at church - say yes! Say yes to the people who are pursuing you.

3. Diversify your friend group. Branch out relationally. Don’t get stuck running with people who are in the same season as you are. I am so thankful that I am friends with families and not just other people who are single.

[Emily pauses to think]

The benefits of being friends with a family, namely the Lockes, is too long to list. But if I had to narrow it down I’d say:

• You get to see a real marriage example. Not some fantasy or romanticized version of how married people do life together.

• You get to see a real example of parenting. Like, kids crying and fighting, the works. But you also see two people try to love them and who are patient and kind to them. It’s a real example of how God loves us and I need to see that, because I didn’t always have that.

When you are friends with a family, you get so much wisdom from them because they are OLDER than you and they obviously are on the other side of what real life is like being married and having kids and running a home as real Christians. If you’re around people who are just like you, you just don’t get those kinds a good benefits.

Sarah: That’s great, Emily. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story with me.