Datrice & Claire: Part II
The sounds of three woman laughing heartily…
Claire: And what I mean by that is she is very outgoing, and I just love it because it’s a sign that you love people. And it’s not just an extraverted thing – Datrice just really loves people. She has a gift. I’ve seen her love on people again and again so well. I’ve learned so much from her in terms of hospitality or having people over spontaneously. She’s even hospitable to people who are hosting her! I have these memories of her coming to my family events or parties and she’s just thinking about others all the time. She’s genuinely interested in other people. It’s really amazing!
Datrice – a blush and a smile and a humble “mmm-mmm-mmm” to acknowledge such an unexpected compliment.
Datrice: Thank you Claire…oh my goodness…
Datrice: My turn! Claire is this little pistol. She’s a straight shooter, she’s on point and she’s fierce. Claire is an observer, she weighs the situation and when she speaks, it’s powerful and on-point, it’s just amazing to me. When I think about one of our first conversations I observed that Claire was a woman who was firm and loving at the same time. At that initial dinner party, I was asking and probing with all these questions like, “Do you know what you are living?? Where are you gonna work??” I’ll never forget it. She was so calm and confident. She said, “We are exactly where we are supposed to be. The Lord called us here.” AND I WAS LIKE - BOOM! That’s when I was like, girl you’re about to be my friend!
Claire is a woman who knows where she stands. She is confident in the Lord. She’s got a Godly-fierceness. And in our relationship when Claire checks me or calls me out (which she does), I can’t be mad about it because she does it in such a way that I see the Lord in it.
Sarah: It’s so great to hear you both describe how you appreciate the “iron sharpening iron” aspect of your relationship because the truth is that it’s not common OR even desired in friendships most of the time.
At this point I have successfully (although unintentionally), derailed our conversation. I have led us all on a solid bunny trail for quite some time.
Sarah: ANYWAY! What have you learned about God through your friendship? The most important relationship we have in this life and source of real satisfaction can only be found in God himself. So the heart of this whole conversation (and this blog) is about the Lord and how we learn about God through each other.
Claire: Yes! Yes. So, when I think about our relationship Datrice, I think I have been able to see God work. Like He’s at work in your life, Datrice. I’ve seen God work in you and your family and that is a tremendous blessing to me. I love our God because He speaks to each of us differently. Like when I meet with Datrice and she tells me how God has been speaking to her, like He’s talking to her, it blows my mind because I’m thinking: “That’s not how the Lord speaks to me.” But I believe her and I’m encouraged to believe God is who He says he is. So even though God communicates to us each differently to some degree, it’s so awesome that the Lord speaks to us so personally. He speaks in such a way that we can hear him.
I don’t think I would be able to see what the Lord is doing as easily if I wasn’t able to share that with you Datrice. Having you close in the day-to-day gives you the opportunity to point stuff out to me like, “See Claire! See what the LORD has done?” I really think there is so much that, if not for Datrice, I would not have seen or heard the Lord in a certain kind of way.
All that to say: our God is a personal God. He is a personal God to each of us. And he is so good…and being able to share that with a friend, is just the best.
Datrice: I agree 100% - 100%. You know, whenever Claire and I talk either on the phone or when we used to walk together on the regular we always ended in prayer. We are hearing one another and then taking what was said to the Lord, that act changes you. The Lord changes you. The Lord’s all about changing our perspective on things. I’m thinking of this one time…
Claire: OH! I think I know what you’re gonna say…
Datrice: Girl you know! I was asking God for patience. AAAH! And Claire was praying and she said, “Lord thank you that you have given Datrice many opportunities to practice patience.” And that year my word was patience - it was all about patience that year. And I just remember when Claire was praying, I literally rolled my eyes and got mad because I knew she was right. She was right but I had not been interpreting my circumstances that way. Ha-HA! I was mad when I saw the light.
Or when we were praying about moving to Decatur, well I wasn’t praying. I already made up my mind that we were not moving from Chicago to Decatur. But when we did pray…and the Lord whooped my butt. The Holy Spirit tore me up. Conviction – repentance - the works. And the crazy thing is my heart was so hard to this idea of moving but in some ways, when we did move other long-term prayers that I had been praying for were answered with this moved…
Claire began to call out what those answered prayers were. Claire knew them, because she had labored in prayer with Datrice for years. She was the witness and she was ready to testify. A rumpus and fun-loving atmosphere got kicked up remembering God answers prayers. And not just general prayers, He answers specific prayers because our God is a personal God. He answers his kids. It blessed my heart to hear Claire testify about what the Lord has done. Sweet tears are wiped away from all of our faces.
Datrice: I’d also say being in friendship with Claire helps me see the attributes of the Lord. Being able to see them and call them out in each other: He’s loving, He’s faithful, He’s merciful, etc…Sarah-girl this is a real feel-good conversation...
Claire: It’s probably best we are not in person because I think we’d just all ends up crying and laughing with each other all night! It would be out of control…
Sarah: What have you learned about loving people through your relationship with each other?
Datrice: Ha! Well, I used to say: “I’m a lover of people! It’s just what the Lord put in me.” But the Lord called me out. He was like, “Really? Racially? Let’s talk about that!” And I was like, okay…. So, Sarah, I’m gonna try to make a long story short…
I ended up becoming a teaching leader for a very white middle-class evening Bible study with BSF. And when I say, I was afraid…I was literally was afraid. The fight inside of me was strong. I did not want to have this struggle of wrestling with God about loving white women, in front of these women. And honestly, I didn’t want Claire to know any of it. I kept saying in my head, “I can’t tell Claire. I can’t share any of this with her because she wouldn’t understand because she’s not black! ” But that is exactly what I needed; to talk to Claire! I didn’t know I needed that kind of a sista’.
Claire asked me, “What’s really going on?” She knew something was up. And she really heard me out, she heard my heart and then calmly asked, I’ll never forget it, she said, “ How do you know that is what the white people are thinking?” Ha! And I was like I am a black woman I know the feeling! I was saying, “I know this… I know that” etc. And mind you, we had this conversation well before the recent racial unrest that’s been happening. But it was really significant to me that Claire would sit with me and listen to me. And then she gave me a new perspective. She said, “Datrice, just as I am here and I love you, I guarantee you other white people want relationship with you too! Not all white people are saying or thinking what you fear they are. And while your feelings are valid, allow me to love you…(Datrice holding back tears)…allow me to love you, in a way where you don’t believe that lie anyone. I see your pain. I see your hurt…let me love you.”
I wanna be a little more like Claire with that fierce-ness: In Christ we are all the same. Period. Claire drove it home for me that day. She called me out. She said you keep identifying yourself as black woman, but you are a Christian. Yes, you are black but you are a Christian and that is what connects you to fellow Christians, even if they don’t look like you. Claire called out my identity as a person and all of who I am in Christ. That helped to strengthen me at a really pivotal time in my life.
Claire and I have been friends for a long time now, but I can’t help but think about what our country has been going through this past year. So for our readers, anyone who’s say’n “Oh I have a black friend, too” Let’s do better than that, friends. I want to encourage our readers to “go there” and do the hard work, the gut work. God is gonna show us all how to love each other and make us comfortable in it. Christ unites us. But we gotta do the work. Relationships are work. The work you put into relationship today is to prepare you for what God has for you next.
Sober tears. A moment of pause in the receiving of a good word…
Claire: Gosh…well I could literally write a book about everything that I’ve learned from Datrice. There’s just so much there, but man, in this moment it’s hard to know exactly what to even say…but I’d have to say again, it’s the seasons of friendship that we’ve been through. So, early in our friendship I did have a lot of questions for Datrice because when I was teaching, I was a white women teaching in this African American community and my questions were beyond “I don’t understand this kind of culture.” It went deeper than that and I could feel free to ask Datrice those deeper questions. Even just listening to Datrice was an education to help me understand other perspectives. So, like when I would be around my neighbors I would be able to think back to conversations that Datrice and I would have, about her childhood and her life experience that would enable me to stand with them. I don’t fully understand but I can stand with my neighbors. Datrice has taught me that. And you know it’s been trial and error with practice with each other ya know…
Datrice & Claire share a look and a laugh
Claire: Because Lord knows I’m not perfect, but we both have learned to have the conversation. And you know, most of the time it’s not even a race topic, it really just comes down to loving people. And just watching Datrice love on other people, that has been an example to me and how I do that with others. Even with my own family and my kids, too. Even her stories from the past, like raising her kids, to now how Datrice loves them as adults have taught me quite a lot. Watching her mothering has helped me so much as a young mom. It means a lot to have someone close who’s a season ahead of you in life. So yeah, loving people starts with a conversation, so have the conversation. Don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
Sarah: So long distance relationships are on my mind a lot because over the last several years all of my closest people have moved away. What does relationship look like long distance for you guys? Teach me your ways!
All three women start crying as if it had been rehearsed that way. We all noticed each other crying, but all we can do is laugh at ourselves crying together: laughing through the tears as they say. It is comical, but not at the same time. Long distance-relationships suck.
Claire: We went from walking together every Wednesday…to phone calls here and there as we were able…and…I feel like it’s…You know I’m grateful for my husband of course, but I don’t have another friend that I confide in like you, Datrice. So… I’ve really missed it, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed our regular talks. Of course, we’ve tried to be intentional about calling and FaceTiming, but you know... it’s not the same. I’ve missed you a lot girl. It’s hard. And you know we’ve planned trips here and there, but the last two got canceled for various reasons and it’s just hard on the heart – really disappointing. Anyway, you have to make time to go visit. You have to make it happen.
And you know with Datrice, I don’t have the fear “losing touch” because of the kind of relationship we have together. There have been friends in the past that I’ve lost touch with or I’ve tried to stay close to but it was not reciprocated, ya know? I have a lot of confidence in our friendship, so I’m not afraid of the future that you’re not going to be a part of our lives or something, it’s more like, we have to figure out how to do this together. I mean my kids are always asking about Auntie (Datrice), you’re a big part of our family’s life. So you know even though we do live far from each other, when we can connect we can pick up right where we left off. And you know, even with COVID you have to be intentional, you just have to. Texting prayer requests out of the blue – staying connected through prayer, that’s been huge. It’s all about being intentional.
Datrice: I don’t have anything to add to that, Sarah. Exactly what Claire said. There’s nothing pretty about long-distance relationships. It’s hard… it’s challenging…
Claire: It’s defiantly an ache in the heart to be apart…
Sarah: It really is…in heaven we’ll all be neighbors…That was supposed to be encouraging but it came out kind of sad!
Laughter, Amen’s and hallelujahs etc.
Sarah: What wisdom do you have to give the younger generation about relationships? I think real meaningful relationships are only going to grow in difficulty with the advancement of social media platforms. One of my biggest hopes for this blog is that over time it becomes a solid resource for Christians to grow in wisdom about relationships because we all need all the help that we can get.
Claire: I think our nation is so polarized and social media is really not helping bring us together like maybe we initially thought and hoped it would. I think it makes us all get critical and irritated too quickly at each other… so I guess the advice that I would give the younger generation is…I’m not even quite sure how to say it but…Datrice and I are very different people. There’s obviously an age difference, we’re different races, we have vastly different experiences so if she or I had only choose to be friends with people who looked like us or were exactly like us, or only made us feel comfortable we both would have completely missed out on this really beautiful friendship. And I think whats going to be a real challenge for the next generations is pushing past that comfort zone - this idea that “oh this person has different ideas than me or has a different upbringing than me…” I think the wisdom here is, move past that. Move past your comfort zone. I think we need to ask the Lord, what kind of relationships do YOU want me to have? The Lord does not want us to live in a bubble. We are the body of Christ, all of us, together. Every human is an “image-bearer.” And when we are united it reveals the glory and beauty of God himself. We really have no idea how much richness and fullness of life we will experience if we enter into relationship with people who are different than us. The Lord just has so much for us in relationship with his people.
Datrice: I would say first foremost, pray about it. Pray about your relationships. I mean, I literally prayed for a friend like Claire and he answered! Ask the Lord to experience relationship with others the way He intended it to be. Ask what you want and get ready for him to blow your mind with how amazing HE is.
If you want friendship you also have to be intentional. Ha! I’m not suggesting that you go up to every person that looks different than you and ask them, “Would you be my friend?” But what I observe about the younger generation (through my own adult kids) is they are asking, “So how do you make friends?” So to them I would say 1. Pray. 2. Be intentional and 3. I’d like to take it back to that old adage: You may not remember certain things about people, but you will remember how they make you feel. Claire makes me feel like I can trust her. And with her, I can be the real me. And when you are in conversation, just dive deep. Make the plunge and go deep in conversation.
Claire: Yeah! Yeah, it’s also that vulnerability, being open and honest is key. Then also feeling that I have permission to do that, too.
Datrice: Yes! And can I just pop up on this soapbox? It’s the LORD! We all, in our hearts really just want to know the Lord. How do you get to know the Lord? Get in the WORD! Young people, get in the Word! Ha! Whom I kidding? All of us! We all have to be in our Word getting to know him! We have got to get to know him. And if you can be close to a friend while you are both are getting to know the God of the Bible and experiencing him -OH! It’s so deep! And that’s when you get to it: God loves us, just as we are. And that loves draws us to repentance, reconciliation and unity.