Doubts

My guest writer this month is my childhood best friend, Trisha. I really cherish the days of our youth growing up together. Trish and I were amateur film makers, budding comedians, music junkies, and wildly theatrical. So many good memories come to mind when I think of she and I. I was pretty darn lucky to grow up with a friend who loved Jesus. I feel equally honored to have shared in some of the darkest seasons of doubt with Trisha, too. I am the luckiest to call this woman my friend still after 20 + years.

Below: a blurry photograph of Trish and I inside Notre-Dame in Paris, France (2007). Thanks Sal & Shirl (our mom’s) for letting us backpack Europe together. Now that I’m a mom, I just don’t know how you let us go off and do that!!!

When Sarah asked me to write a post about doubt for her blog, I said I would, but that I’m a pretty bad writer. She responded, “Girl! You were homeschooled! How could you be a bad writer?!” And that’s one reason I love Sarah, just like her mom she’s always had an unwavering, slightly-laughable confidence in me. But that’s probably why she was always a person I felt comfortable sharing my doubts with. Big doubts like - is God real? Can I trust the Bible? Why are we actually here?

I remember sitting on my floral couch in Jordan, where we called home the past seven years, talking with Sarah on the phone. Every time we talked she asked me point blank about my faith and how I was growing or struggling. At the time I was a new mother to a six month old baby, struggling with what was most likely postpartum depression and still navigating culture shock.

My list of questions and doubts were growing. How does God communicate with his children? Why is there so much suffering? Does anyone actually enjoy having a newborn? What came to mind was a place that my parents had always talked about called l’Abri, a community in Switzerland for people who had questions about Christianity. So I set an alert on my phone for cheap flights from Amman to Geneva and waited. Finally one day, on that same floral couch, where I was apparently spending a lot of time since it’s come up twice in this story already, my phone buzzed with cheap tickets to Switzerland. (That is the first and last time you will read the words cheap and Switzerland in one sentence.)

When we arrived, I sat down with my tutor at l’Abri and the first thing she told me was that I wouldn’t find all the answers to my questions there, but I would find a safe place to ask them. I was very frustrated by this response. In the days following I noticed that when I or another student would ask a question, the response would often be another question. I thought - leave answering questions with questions to Jesus! Just give me some facts people!

We spent our short time at l’Abri reading, listening, scribbling notes, and debating. (Although honestly I hate conflict in all its forms so I mostly listened to the debates.) Between lectures, books, articles, and discussions, we took in a lot of information. Near the end of our time at l’Abri I had both found answers and formed new questions.

As years went by, I came to realize that what my tutor had told me on my first day wasn’t just an excuse or a platitude. I had assumed that finding a safe place to ask questions was the first step on a long journey to finding answers. Now I see it as the arrival. When the Lord gives us a friend, community, or church that’s willing to see us, sit with us, and embrace us when we voice our fears and uncertainties, that is when we experience His goodness in one of its purest forms. It is true fellowship and community in Christ.

The questions we wrestle with change over the years, but our need for a friend to share them with doesn’t. Friends are not always easy to find but don’t give up on the search. I’ve started over in new places with zero friends more times than I’d prefer. I’m pretty done with ‘starting over’ at this point. (Except when Chicago got 17.5 inches of snow last week - that had me waffling on my never-shall-I-ever-move-again stance.) Moving is the easy example, but many life situations can leave us looking left and right and wondering where we can find true friendship and community. But I promise, it’s worth the search.

Good luck and God bless.

Tricia

P.S. If you’re looking for a friend in Chicago, Sarah has my info. Any friend of Sarah’s is a friend of mine.