Grateful for her

I opened up my box of journals this morning looking for this one in particular: Choose Gratitude, blessings journal. This journal was a gift from one of my dear friends, Claire. I love it when some gifts that seem commonplace turn out to be tools of spiritual paradigm shifts. Writing in this journal for a year with its prompts and quotes did that for me; a shift in what it means to be grateful to God and the people He brings into your lives. This journal cultivates gratitude by having the writer list the things you are specifically grateful for each day.

I’ve kept a journal since I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was young. I’d tell you what grade I was in except I literally don’t remember. I was home schooled and grades don’t really exist when you are being home schooled. All I remember is, no boobs and I liked playing in the mud… so probably 8 or 9? The photo featured above is a rare sighting of my sister and I in dresses. Thanks, Mom, for making us look good. Unfortunately, I just make it awkward. I’m pretty sure I still do that weird neck jutting forward thing.

Writing and journaling was and is two things for me: 1. My “thorn in the flesh.” A means of humbling and a faithful reminder to stay humble 2. Therapy for my brain. The daily practice of journaling turned into something I’ve grown to love and now as a mom simply need to do. As an introvert who is a major internal processor (wink-wink to my extrovert, external processor husband), I just need to write to get the thoughts out. At the same time as my dyslexia discovery I was also diagnosed with ADD (this was back in the 90’s so who knows what they call it these days). But all that to say, I can’t emphasize enough how good it has been for my mental health, spiritual health and my emotional health to hand write in my journal a little every day. This is also your official disclaimer: As you read my writing, know that there probably will always be errors here and there. And bunny trails are for hopping, and I’m gonna take you there (CUE: The Staples Singers, “I will take you there”). Thanks in advance for your grace. Thank you for reading.

Now, here’s the story….

One of my family friends stopped by a few weeks ago. A woman who has known me since the no boob days and playing in the mud, with her kids actually! Her name is Bev. Beautiful Bev. I think Bev has to be one of the most beautiful people that I know. I think she’s an attractive women, but her character and her countenance shine so brightly and beautifully. It’s the love of God inside of her. Seeing her a few weeks ago, after such a long time apart, was so good for my soul. I didn’t realize how much I missed her. Bev (or Mrs. Barnett as I used to call her), is a woman who embodies humility, grace and a real tender kindness. Our time together was brief but I can’t stop thinking about when she said, “I’m so grateful for…” I think she said that phrase or some variation of that several times. A noticeable amount. There was no artificial flavor to her tone, there was no romanticized inflection. That’s one of the things I love most about Bev, she’s a straight shooter and the kind of person that when she speaks you listen because she’s gonna tell you the truth. And she was telling me again and again how grateful she was. This blew me away because her life circumstances have been very difficult as of late.

After she left I felt happy; happy that we could be together. Then I felt a gut punch or a Holy Spirit punch? Who can say? But reflecting on our conversation a light bulb turned on:  I have been so ungrateful these past several months…and I’m only now just realizing that that has been the root of many of my own personal issues recently. I’ve been flipping back through my most recent journal entries and the content is, well, lame. My thoughts are poop. You know what I’m talking about.

When I finished the Choose Gratitude, blessings journal, I adopted the practice of listing several things that I am grateful for before actually journaling my thoughts. Such a good idea! But at some point (unbeknownst to me), this practice became hollow. It lost its true purpose which was to align my heart to my true position to the Father: That my very life and breath are a gift from God right here, right now. That everything I have is because God has given it to me. Nothing is promised to me here on earth; I am entitled to nothing. It’s all a gift from God.

Today I am thankful that God has opened my eyes to the truth of my circumstances: I needed someone else, in the same physical space as me, to simply speak the Truth in love. When Bev expressed her deep gratitude I sensed the power of the Gospel shine bright and it revealed that my heart was resting in shadow, numb to God’s provision for my life. The revelation of God’s Truth brings life, peace, joy and real gratitude knowing fully that it is God alone who has done the great work of salvation. In this place a grateful heart can’t help but overflow with thanks - you can’t help but say it out loud, like Bev did.

Thank you God for my parents’ friends who have become my friends too. Thank you for Mrs. Barnett. I’m so grateful for Bev.

Prayer:

Praise you Lord, you are our provider!

You are the giver of life! You are the giver of life abundant!

Give me a truly grateful heart today, Lord.

Open our eyes to the Truth of our circumstances.

The days are evil, but you are Good. Open our eyes to your goodness.

And all God’s people said, amen!